I don't watch a whole lot of TV... a little bit of "The Office" and I catch "Family Guy" or "Letterman" once in a while, and while I'd love to watch my Chicago Cubs, I'm not too keen on paying for cable just for that. Fortunately, the one show I definitely gotta see is on network television: "Lost"! While waiting until Season 4 begins to air in February 2008, I'm getting my fix by re-watching Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD. It's been so long since I saw these episodes, I've forgotten a lot of things. That's why I'm taking notes... yeah... not that I'm going to figure out any big mysteries, but the show has some interesting themes and plot elements, and some are quite spiritual. While one of the writers is Jewish and I don't think the other is Christian, they seem to like drawing in Catholicism with confessional scenes (Charlie and Mr. Eko), references to saints (Kate chose St. Lucy for Confirmation), and even Mr. Eko playing priest to escape his home country.

And then there's this John Locke character. Off the island, he's disrespected and alone, out of place at his collar-and-tie office job. On the island, he's "the hunter," a master at following tracks through dense forests, throwing knives with scary precision, and a man of faith. Not Christian faith, but a believer in fate and knowing there's a reason for the things that happen to us. He lives in this strange communion with the Island. He seems to follow some unseen force -- at times getting lost -- until realizing he was a fool to lose faith.


St. Francis seemed to be a lot like that. While he did benefit from notable miraculous encounters, especially hearing Jesus' words from the San Damiano crucifix, most of the time Francis was just trying to figure out the next step to take -- and even after receiving his marching instructions, "Rebuild my Church," he initially misinterpreted the meaning. See, even though Francis wanted to be a knight, I don't think his heart was in fighting military battles. I think he knew there was something else for him, but volunteering for a Crusade was the closest thing he could find to whatever "it" was. When he jumped off his horse to embrace a diseased leper, he certainly wasn't following any direct command from God -- he must've had that distinct feeling in his gut saying, "I don't know why, but I have to do this." Surely he had passed other lepers and felt drawn to jump down and embrace them, but this time the impulse couldn't be ignored. He was following a greater, unseen force -- what greater adventure is there?

Maybe that's part of the reason Locke seems like such a manly, adventuresome guy on the Island. Sure, throwing knives and tracking through the forest is cool, but he's clearly driven by a greater force. Sometimes I relate to that feeling, when I find myself make a decision not because it really makes sense at the time, but because it feels like the right thing to do at that time. I had that feeling about getting into a dating relationship last year, even though I felt so strongly about pursuing the priesthood. Of course, the relationship fell through (as it was destined to do because we weren't very compatible) and life sucked for a while, but there's something about opening your heart to another person (not just in dating, but also friendships) that reveals your deeper needs and motivations.

Having been through a bit of an emotional roller coaster throughout the past year, now I have that same gut feeling about beginning the application process for seminary. I don't know if I'll eventually end up ordained or married, but when St. Francis had his dream of becoming a knight in the king's court, or heard Jesus' voice from the crucifix, or wrapped his arms around that leper, he didn't know much more than I do now. Ain't nothing wrong with that... besides, where's the adventure in knowing exactly where you're going?

To Mary Through Jesus

Today I had lunch with a couple of guys I knew during college who were involved in some of the other Christian ministries on campus. Naturally, the conversation came around to women and dating. One guy is engaged and the other is in a semi-serious relationship. Then they asked about me, "So are you dating anyone?"

Off the cuff, I immediately replied, "Yeah, her name's Mary."

"Cool." Then I started smilin' because I know he doesn't know what I really mean, so he says, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, completely serious," still smiling.

"How'd you meet her?" I never thought about how I would answer that question, but my instinctive answer was perfect:

"Through Jesus."

Which got me to thinking... Catholics are known for that cliched term, "To Jesus Through Mary," but my walk with God has been more like, "To Mary Through Jesus."

For one, I was raised in a Christian household and have always been a Christian, so I was already "to Jesus." Mary, however, began to mystify me around the time I was learning to study the Bible during my InterVarsity years. All these great Old Testament men... Abraham, Moses, King David, Jonah... they fought futilely against God's insistent tapping on their shoulder... they ran from Him... and they sinned greviously.

Mary simply submitted. She asked one simple, practical question of Gabriel and submitted. Luke notes that she treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart when the shepherds visited the Nativity scene and after finding Jesus in his Father's house, Luke again mentions she treasured all these things in her heart. Simeon prophesied to her that a sword will pierce your own soul too. And her last recorded words in Scripture, Do whatever he tells you, even in defiance to our Lord's wishes, brought about the first miracle by Jesus and the manifestation of his glory. And then there's that woman clothed with the sun in Revelation 12.

These Scriptures hint at something deeper and more mysterious than a simple mother-son relationship. Nothing within the Protestant traditions seemed to satisfy the deeper mystery behind Mary, but the true joy and love I felt among Catholics and the simple sense of peace and fulfillment I experienced at Mass piqued my curiousity. It took four or five years, but Jesus patiently lead me to His mother through His Word... and she brought me to the foot of the cross, where I've recently found myself transfixed in meditation upon the crucifix and what it means to follow Christ and love God sacrificially.

That's why Archbishop Fulton Sheen's quote above hits home right now. After all, it was while kneeling at the foot of the cross that St. Francis of Assisi heard Jesus' command, "Go, rebuild my Church!"

And so this leads me to tonight and the reason I'm staying up way too late to write this blog post. I don't care if anyone reads it because I primarily need this to create a virtual memorial. Earlier tonight at a Mass celebrated in preparation for this Ignite Your Torch youth conference coming up this summer, and the priest's invited us to consecrate our lives to Mary so that she can place us at the foot of the cross. During the Offertory, I offered myself to Mary. The idea sounds easy, but when you actually try and pray those words you run smack into your own Pride. This is, after all, a complete abandonment. In doing this, I believe that Mary knows better about what will bring me joy that I do. After three tries, I finally made it past the opening, "Mary." And after sealing the deal, I felt at peace, excited, joyful, and scared all at the same time. But all of that is better than being bored with life, refusing to discover the purpose for which God created you.

Not to say that I won't resist God's tapping on my shoulder in the future -- I definitely will, if only because I know God is calling me to the one mission for which He created me. Part of me wants to live pointlessly for a little while, but there's no joy in that. At the risk of presumptuousness, it's very likely that consecrating my will to Mary's means I'm becoming a priest. And like my soon-to-be-married college acquaintance, it's both the scariest and most exciting feeling I've known.

"Make me chaste and continent, but not yet."

I'm about halfway through St. Augustine's Confessions. The communion of saints adds a pretty cool dimension to reading books like this and even Scripture. After learning how St. Augustine experienced a lot of the same frustrations, temptations, and uncertainty about his calling that I do, I've been asking for his intercession to help in my own discernment and pursuit of God. I completely identify with the words he prayed early in his process of conversion: "Make me chaste and continent, but not yet." (I think the more modern translation would be "Make me chaste and celibate...", but you get the idea.)

He knew his old way of life wasn't where he wanted to stay, believed in God enough to pray, and respected God enough to know that God would answer that prayer. But part of his heart remained attached to sin, especially Lust. While my specific experiences aren't anything like his, the same temptations and uncertainties are there. He debated between marriage and celibacy, and like me, wanted the gift to pursue the latter path although he wasn't without reservations.

Ironically, considering what I've just said, what attracts me about marriage isn't the sex, but the incredible challenge it is to be fully devoted to God while raising a family. Priests are kinda expected to be holy, but a married couple living a holy life isn't the norm at all. So I feel like marriage is the greater spiritual challenge. I also heard a quote from some dead U.S. President who was asked by a reporter at what age he thought women were the most beautiful and he said, "The age my wife is." That got me to thinking that one benefit to marriage is learning to see the inner beauty in everything. Unfortunately, it also means having sex. I don't know about that. :)

On the other hand, I was thinking about John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart" and how the priesthood fulfills the three desires God places on mens' hearts: an adventure to live, a battle to fight, and a beauty to save. The adventure is following this counter-cultural path of chastity, loving God wholeheartedly, and serving peoples' physical and spiritual needs. The battle is fighting to draw people into a closer relationship with God and every prayer made on their behalf. And the beauty to save is the Church, the Bride of Christ, who is made beautiful through faith and the sacraments of Baptism and Reconciliation.

And of course, there is Paul's 1st Letter to the Corinthians: To the unmarried and the windows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. About half of the seventh chapter is about the blessings of remaining single and the anxieties of marriage. I am surprised that the vast majority of sincere Christians do not wrestle with these words. I have rarely heard of a Protestant considering chastity for the rest of their lives, which I find ironic because it's so clearly biblical. Baptists love to quote Paul when he's talking about being saved through faith and eternal security, but when it comes to this chapter it seems like they all make the assumption that their calling is marriage and the beautiful alternative is shrugged off or laughed at. This has bothered me for a long time and it's one reason (among many) that I started to seriously consider Catholicism (there's a post coming soon that gets into the other reasons).

Well, that's enough for now... I should do something productive now, like laundry (if only I were married so someone else could do that... ha ha).

God or the Girl

I've been seeing this show promoted on a couple of Catholic web sites and it looks pretty interesting. It's a documentary/reality show that walks with four guys as they discern their vocation to either marriage or the priesthood. I believe in the end two of them choose priesthood and two choose marriage (gotta keep things neatly symmetrical like that). At least one of the guys has a girlfriend, which must complicate matters a little :) I've heard good things about the show, so hopefully the much-needed positive publicity will encourage more men and women to consider the religious life. We think it's bad in the U.S. with one priest for every 800-1,200 Catholics, but in the Phillippines there is only one priest for every 13,000 Catholics! Even with deacons assisting with some responsibilities, that's gotta be rough. I think things are slowly starting to turn for the better... I don't know anybody personally who is in formation for the priesthood, but at least four friends of mine have friends who are. A few married Catholics I know considered the priesthood, which I used to think was pretty crazy, before I realized most priests are just down-to-earth regular guys who just happened to be called to a different vocation that most of us. Hopefully this show will illustrate that everybody has a vocation that we're all responsible for discerning through prayer, Scripture, serving others, and listening to God. It premieres Easter Sunday on A&E at 9PM. Since I don't have cable, I guess I won't be watching it. Maybe it'll be out on Netflix...